What does it mean to be human?
Perhaps, it means something different to each of us.
Are we perfect?
Most certainly not.
Do we throw caution to the wind?
Sometimes.
Do we cower behind what is familiar?
Quite possibly, more often than not.
Life is a balance, and not an easy one. What was familiar to us yesterday might be a thing of the past today. We must adapt. But how? It is so much easier to cling to what we know. Yet, it all comes down to attitude and choice: two very imperfect human characteristics.
We makes choices everyday. Each choice impacts our moment to moment, day to day, week to week, month to month, etc. How we react to those choices in each moment is reflected by our attitude. Positive or negative, we do not always like to admit that we have control over our attitude. But we do.
Time and time again, I choose happy. It does not always stick. I slip up. I have shades of angry, frustrated, grumpy, sad...you name it. Happy is always my goal, though.
So, how do we achieve said "happy"? We create our own happiness. In nursing, we say that pain is the 5th vital sign, but pain is subjective - pain is "what the patient says it is." Likewise, happiness is what we say it is. Happiness for me may look and feel very different from happiness for you, but that does not mean we cannot both be happy, in our own right, individually and/or together.
I was, by my definition, feeling very unhappy recently. I was feeling unhappy that my running and training had changed (and by changed, I mean dwindled significantly). I was feeling unhappy every day that I had to go into work because, frankly, I was scared. Our unit houses very sick patients; as nurses, we are stretched very thin, and as a fellow RN once described, we simply anticipate "being in the weeds," and if we're not, on rare occasion, then it's a good night. I was also feeling unhappy that I was not being the best new wife that I could be - again, by my standards. I cowered. I wallowed. For months.
Then, I threw my hands up. I got sick of myself (finally). Who was this bleary eyed, exhausted, tearful girl that I saw staring back at me in the mirror? It was not me. It was not the courageous, strong woman that I had worked so hard to become. It was a shell of emotion and fear. It was a face with dark circles underneath her eyes, a body of deteriorating muscle, with a pitiful, self-loathing attitude behind it.
I cannot pin point what it was exactly that was my "aha" moment (or in my family, we like to call it the "ice cream cone"), but I have been consistently trying to reflect in the moment in order to hold myself accountable. I put on my "positive pants" each night when I go into work now, expecting to be in the "weeds," being grateful when I am not, and knowing that the difficulty and stress of this unit will help me to be a stronger nurse, and ultimately push me towards my future goals. I have called on my internal motivation and best runner friends to get me out the door more often than not; even if I am not in "training" mode, exercise has always been not only a physical, but also an emotional outlet for me. I need it. I crave it. This week alone, I worked Sunday/Monday nights, ran Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday with my friend Terry, and biked with my hubby on Thursday. Improvement that I can feel. As for being a new wife, I am just trying to be okay with being transparent. My husband sees me at my worst. He sees me when I am run down and vulnerable. He hugs me. He encourages me to run. He drives me to work when I have not slept well and am tired. At times, letting go of "Miss Independent" is the best that I can do. But all of these things combined, I know, are bringing me back to "Katlyn," and allowing me to be the best that I can be...today.
Three steps forward are far greater than one step backward. Fuel your happy. One step at a time.
